Yes, like you, I also wasted all my health insurance money on an iPhone. Sure I had an upgrade and even had a rebate, so it only cost me like $100 bucks. But as Representative Jason Chaffetz reminded me, had I made different choices, I could afford Trumpcare.
What is a Millennial to do? We do what we Millennials do best: turn to the past.
If most Americans are going to trouble getting or keeping their healthcare, take it into your own hands!
The worst. You can not stop coughing, but you have to get to one of your jobs. What do you do? You use heroin, of course! Sure, heroin has side effects like, addiction and death, just to name a few. But like this ad advises, “the efficient dose being very small.” So shoot on up, feel better and get to work!
A Lobotomy is the cure for you! In fact, this is a real cure all. Depression, anxiety, schizophrenia and the Mondays, all can be cured by a good old fashioned lobotomy. Head on over to your local hardware store, get an ice pick and a hammer. Shove that ice pick in your eye, a tap tap tap of the hammer and you are now lobotomized! Warning, before you perform your lobotomy, be sure to look into assisted living facilities, you’ll need it.
Just Feel Like Shit?
Back in the day the main medical treatment was Bloodletting. The thought behind most illnesses, like diarrhea, was that you just had too much blood and some of it needed to get the fuck out of your body. It’s basically cutting yourself to let the blood drain out… and like heroin, it has its drawbacks.
Feeling stressed? Irritable? Bloating? Bitchy? Old white men trying to take your health care away? Have I got the thing for you! According to Victorian era doctors, what you need is a good old fashioned vagina massage. For this, I recommend you take this in your own hands, shower head, or vibrator, and follow it up with a glass (or bottle) of wine.