Parenting Tips with Kellyanne Conway

Hey folks. It’s me! Kellyanne Conway. Friendly White House advisor. I thought I’d take a break today and answer some emails I’ve received asking for parenting tips in dealing with unruly toddlers. I have raised four wonderful children myself and are therefore chock full of knowledge on how to deal with tantrums, lying, and getting your juvenile to put down their phones. Like, for as long as you can. Just for even one second, you know?

Ok. Your questions!

Dear Kellyanne, My son throws his food at the dog saying that the dog is hungry too. How do I get him to stop throwing food while also keeping his love of helping others?

First, don’t worry about helping others. That is a completely separate topic and I won’t even acknowledge that part of the question. You’re diverting the issue. Next, you need to put up a big gate, maybe two, to keep the dog out of the kitchen. Kitchens are for humans only and you need a huge gesture to show that. Huge. Make sure it’s large enough so there’s no getting over or under it. Then tell your son that human food is our food and we must protect it so that we can nourish ourselves and our offspring, and no one else. If he continues to throw food at the dog, especially in front of company, just tell people that actually, he ate all the food himself.

Dear Kellyanne, My toddler has no time for books. We’ve read to him everyday and have done one book before bedtime since he was born. But he constantly squirms whenever we open a cover. What can we do?

Books are nice for shelves but I wouldn’t stress too much over this. We get information and stories from so many sources nowadays: TV, the internet, the guy ranting in the middle of Broadway. Who’s to say who’s right? Pick the stories that resonate with you and tell those to your toddler. If he changes the story up a bit when he retells his friends, praise his creativity! No one wants to raise a bookworm.

Dear Kellyanne, I caught my three-year-old on top of our countertop, cabinet open, his hand inside a box of cookies, crumbs and chocolate all over his face and hands. He pulled out a brand new cookie and started chomping on it right in front of me while saying, through the chewing, “I didn’t eat any cookies.” I was speechless. What would you say?

Congrats! Sounds like you’ve got this parenting thing down.

 

Satire.

Steph Garcia