Goodbye Internet, I Think I’ll Miss You Most of All

Oh, Internet.

The times we have had together. Shit, I even remember when you were called the World Wide Web! Remember that? We were just kids then! Kids using dial up connections and stressing out over our AOL profiles. Those were the days.

Like most things, wine, George Clooney and cheese, you got better with age. Always improving, getting more knowledgeable and faster. You were always there for me, Internet. You’re even with me now, as I write this ode to you.


But as of yesterday, the House of Representatives just voted to make you that less private. Those turds voted to repeal the privacy protections that President Obama had signed before leaving office. So now, websites do not need to ask you for permission before they take your data and share it. Data like, your geo-location and web browser history.

What does that mean?

Well, you know that cute top you have been scoping out on Well it will now be used against you in a court of law.

I kid.

But, really, it probably can. (Fine court, accuse me of having good taste in adorable tops!)

Things like my search history on have the chance of being seen by everyone! Y’all I put some weird key words in that search bar! I can’t help it, it’s how I feel.

Now the government has access to all of the spreadsheets my friends and I have created on GroupMe. The ones we made so we can all remember everyone’s food preference. Not to mention all of the screenshots of text conversations I’ve shared with them.

But I think the best argument comes from Representative Michael Capuano (D), “Just last week, I bought underwear on the internet,” he said. “Why should you know what size I take, or the color, or any of that information?”

Dude nailed it. Why would anyone want to know about his underwear!? But for some reason, the White House and the Republicans in the House, all really really need to know.

So, Internet – it’s been real. Sorry a bunch of old white dudes ruined you.

Rebecca Edwards