Look at that! It’s almost Independence Day which means it’s time to go to a Fourth of July Party! Your four day weekend is almost here so you should start planning which parties to hit up now. And as you look around for fun stuff to do, you’ve noticed a lot of your friends seem to be out of town. Huh. That’s weird.
Ok, so no one is throwing a Fourth of July Party… that means you should throw one! Yeah! But wait a second. You’re not really EXCITED to celebrate America right now. The current Commander in Chief looks (and acts) like the disgusting love-child of an internet troll combined with an off-brand hot dog. Sorry to ruin hot dogs even further for you.
Yeah America really sucks right now. President Twoscoops just went on a sexist Twitter tirade. Again. A jury did NOT convict the officer who shot Philando Castile, which is fucking insane. ANNND The Republican Senators want to remove healthcare from 22 million Americans.
Hahahaha I’m not crying. You are. AMERICA!
But fear not! We have three great show-stopping ideas for a last-minute party that will be sure to have your guests saying, “Well… at least we weren’t alone today.”
Fourth of July Party Ideas for the Host who’s Pissed at America!
Everyone knows that a great party needs only three things: good food, good drinks, and good vibes. Bonus for the host that goes above and beyond and gives out good favors! Let’s get three out of four of these started for you. You can provide the vibes.
Every good party has a signature drink. And don’t worry, we’ve concocted the best drink for exactly how you feel right now. It’s called “The America” cocktail and it’s one of the most refreshing drinks you can have this Fourth!
1 Part Jack Daniel’s (or other preferred Whiskey)
2 Parts Liberal Tears (shouldn’t be hard to find these, just remember Planned Parenthood)
Pour the Jack with the tears in a tumbler glass (over ice if you like your America on the rocks) and stir. Drink until 2020.
The Rice Cake Snack Bar
Sure you’d love to serve cookies and candies and all kinds of great treats. But you’ve been eating that shit non-stop since November 9th. And now you have a weird stomach pain that won’t go away, so you’re on an elimination diet. Fun! What to do? Get together some of your favorite gluten-free, dairy free, non-corn, non-soy products and put them in ramekins! Grab your rice cereal and pretend it’s a topping for ice cream! Grab your rice crackers and pretend they are Barbecue anything. Take your chickpea tortilla chips and pretend like they are literally anything else. Honestly. What’s the deal with those things. Blech.
Just Try and Make it Through
Good Vibes are up to you. It’s your party and you can “cry if you want to”. That would be my preferred method – a lot of crying and talking about the 2018 elections. Follow this up with a “Hopefully Georgia wasn’t a sign of bad times ahead”. Then a “Hey at least we’ve got each other.” And cycle through this until you kick everyone out of your house / everyone leaves because you “cry too much.”
Bonus… Good Favors
Face-the-Truth Eye Mask
This is for the host that wants to go above and beyond. An eye mask to remind you every morning that this is not a bad dream. This is real life. An unfortunate amount of people voted for this idiot. The man that can’t even speak in a real complete sentence or full thought.
Face-the-Truth Eye Mask Instructions
10 blue eye masks
Silk-Screen or printer
Some of those t-shirt printer paper things
Our “This is not a dream” template (jk, we didn’t make a template)
Print off our “This is not a bad dream” template and iron on to your eye mask. I mean I guess this is what you’d do. I made this in the Over app. I’m NOT a host that goes above and beyond. In fact, I’m not throwing a party at all. The whole Fourth of July Party thing is too sad.
So Happy Fourth! Or at least Happy “Hey At Least We’re Half-Way Through 2017”. And I hope your Fourth of July Party is a true banger.